My ideal weight is… Wait…

A year ago, I had an ideal weight. I was pretty happy once I hit 112. I was really happy once I was about 110. And today I’m happier at 120. Because I don’t have an ideal weight anymore. It doesn’t matter that I have my “winter weight” on right now, because I can tell that a new door has opened in my life. I am standing at the beginning of an amazing, thrilling journey. Not only am I beginning the deeper practice training at Return, but I just got accepted into the RN-BSN program at St. Cloud State. After years and years of struggling, hating myself, and wishing for death I not only see the light but I can feel it on my face. I have some good friends. I don’t need a man to validate my life. I’m on the cusp of truly having what they call in mental health ‘a life worth living’.

My body feels amazing today and I’m fat according to me a year ago. I’ve never loved being in this body more. Had yoga class this morning. Karin taught it. It was hard. I was sweating my butt off. But my fat/beautiful body got into side crow pose today. Okay, it was only on one side. However, it was a WIN for me. I was so thrilled that I had trouble keeping up with the intense class after I did it. Karin directed us into a lung while I just hung out in chair pose, the elation waving over me and a smile beaming from my face. I hit earth again when I heard her say “okay, get into lunge, half the class is already there and they’re dying”. Crap.

I haven’t been practicing yoga regularly for very long but it is making a difference in a big way. When I’m on that mat I’m not just connecting with my body. I’m connecting with the universe. That sounds so out there, but maybe some of you understand it. I can feel my humanity. For the first time I understand that I am a soul and I have a body not the other way around. A year ago, I don’t think that I would be ready to be this in love with what I’m doing. Time is a funny thing, how it heals you. I was still wounded a year ago. I was still really wounded just 5-6 months ago. Something shifted and I don’t know what it was or how it happened but I am so grateful it did.

So my happy weight? The ideal weight that I feel amazing at and where I look my best? I don’t know. Is side crow pose a weight? The number doesn’t matter anymore. I am no longer tying myself to something so changing and superficial. I am flowing right now. In this moment. In 20 minutes I might be less up in the air. Less elated. Less inspired. In fact, that will most likely be true. It doesn’t matter. I’ll get back.

That is the change.